Good morning! Now that Jackson is out of school, I can breath a sigh of relief. Not that I mind getting up early, I usually do anyway, it’s just the stress, hurry and telling him 4 times to brush his teeth that I wont miss. Plus, I love having him around. He’s a great little guy and his imagination can take him anywhere. Tomorrow is Memorial day and I wanted so badly to go to the cemetary yesterday but Jack was at Nana’s until evening so that was that. So, we’re going this morning. Jack always likes to go with me to lay out the flower wreaths on my mother and fathers grave, my sister and my grandparents. He seems to feel closer to my parents this way. He asks all kinds of questions and I tell stories about the funny things my mom used to do. He misses having my mother in his life. He never knew her as she died in 93, 3 years before Jackson was born. I always speak of her and tell him how much he would love her humor and her affection. She was your typical grandma, who would sit and play games with you until you fell off your chair, she would make super dinners, things you loved, she would cuddle you and she was a cuddly grandma. She would be so thrilled to have a grandson. She always wanted one. She had 2 granddaughters and she loved them so much but I know she wanted a little grandson. Jackson would be the perfect grandson. He would love to go on sleepovers at grandma’s. She always made things fun. I wish I was more like her in that way. She had a great imagination and I’m usually struggling to find a fun thing to do with 2 chairs. I miss my mother because I was close to her, in spirit as well as being her daughter, I just “knew” her so well. She wasn’t perfect but she got me through a good portion of my life before she left me. Not to say she didn’t leave me too soon and she left me with some problems and some left over things that didn’t get said and done but she did the best she could. I modeled after my mother when raising my girls. I tried to do what she would do but I was very young, overwhelmed and didn’t have much help except from my mother who would sometimes disapprove of my mothering. I remember getting angry with the girls and I never knew why. They were just little girls, innocent and sweet but they would get into things or do things that normal little girls do and it would just overtake me. I know they remember this and although I have apologized for all of it, they still hold resentment. But..I guess like my mother, I did the best I could with what I had. I hope they do better than me with their children. It’s different with Jackson. I’m not overwhelmed, I’m much older and things just dont bother me now. I dont mind him making a mess because I’ll pick it up when I can. He understands my weaknesses and tries very hard to do things that help me out which I love him for. I still wish my mother could see how wonderful this boy is. In 6 years he will get his drivers license. Time goes by so fast and I hope my daughters realize this. I will be 50 next year and maybe have 20 years ahead of me God willing. But when I leave Jackson, he will still be a young man and I hope that they tell him about HIS mother and remind him how much I adore him. I hope they tell him I did my best because I am. I hope they know enough “good” things about me that they can tell him stories and make him laugh, like I do now about them when they were younger. I remember all of it, they seem to have forgotten, maybe by choice but I can never forget my children. They came from me and are a part of me. I know they wish they had grown up differently but things happened and life was life. I made the decisions at the time I thought I had to do. Right or wrong, at least I tried to keep them with me. My intention was to let them know I would fight for them and that I couldn’t live without them. I’m glad I’m not in that situation now and I have a loving husband and he and I have decided that no matter what happens, we will never part and always be here for Jackson until the Lord calls us home. I just want to be here long enough to see him married and happy and maybe a grandbaby that I can hold and tell the stories of the father who was such a beautiful little boy with the honey golden hair and the smile that could light the ocean waves.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial day and take time to reflect on those who gave us life and did the best they could.

Peace.

Did anyone else go nuts last night watching Grey’s Anatomy? I swear the cliffhanger is going to kill me. I’m not so sure about Gizzie (George and Izzie) I dont think I want that to happen..Can’t people just be friends without the sex? It just spoils some of the show for me. I think McDreamy is treating Meredith like shit. A lot of my friends say she deserves it but..she has been through so much this year and I think this last situation with her step mom was the topper. I feel sorry for her and Derek throughing the “I met a woman last night” thing to her was just mean. Anyway, can’t wait for next week…then the repeats..blah.

Well I finally have tomato plants and cucumbers in the damn dirt. My husband and I trodged out into the yard with shovels in hand ready to dig. We started about 7am yesterday morning and finally got done about 4:30 in the afternoon. It’s supposed to storm today so I pray that my little babies will survive the harsh rains but I think they will..for they are BAKER PLANTS..HAHA!! Now Jackson is anxiously awaiting his first cuc and tomato..which probably wont be until August since I was so late in getting them in but….I’m not telling him that.

Jackson had a field trip to Jefferson City, our capital on Thursday. I swear I sweated about this date for days and between the panic attacks I kept telling myself that this is just stupid, quit worrying, he will be fine. He was looking forward to it so much. He loves road trips anyway. I packed every snack I could find at the store, He had all his games to play on the bus. He called me 2 times which bless his little heart helped so much. And actually he got home an hour early. I feel so stupid and I usually do after the fact but he had never been that far away from me before. So…I made it through, found things to keep me busy that day. I have to do something about these panic attacks though. I can’t keep taking pills for it. They have to stop. Anyway it’s Saturday so need to get Jack ready for Karate….he’s in there playing “Kung Foo Fighting” on the stereo…

Just checking to see if my page lines up ok…..Hi everyone!