I get to go to the Elton John concert October 13!!!!!! I can’t believe he’s actually coming here to be the first performance at our new Sprint Center. This place is huge and I think it will be in the round. I’m so excited!!!!!!! Yeah for me!!!

Today I found that not only am I Bi-Polar, Depressed, I am now Obscessive/Compulsive, or at least I have been for a long time. So I got to thinking about it and he’s right. It’s not like I wash my hands 25 times a day or have to keep checking the lock on the door. It’s that I obsess over something. I have intrusive/horrific thoughts that I am learning to control. No, I dont want to hurt anyone, it’s horrific thoughts about someone else, like the fact that someone will die and in my mind I play the graphic details of that horrible moment and I get so caught up in it, that it feels very real and I have to actually stand up and walk away from where I am to shake it off. That’s part of it. But I also obsess about things I have lost in my life. I thought I’d make a list and here’s what I came up with:

1. My daughter
2. My other daughter (This one I’m writing a book about)
3. My mother (deceased)
4. My former job that I loved
5. The FOP
6. My son (not so much)
7. My Mother in Law

These are just a few of the things I can’t let go of, or situations that have happened with those things that I can’t let go of. Have you ever felt like you needed forgiveness for some horrible thing you’ve done to even go on? But…you don’t know the horrible thing you did and no one will forgive you? Yes, I know I sound totally screwed up but no, I’m really not. Certain people have made me feel like I need those things yet, I dont know if I’ll ever get it or even if I should and for some unknown reason I cannot remember the horrific things I did to deserve the treatment that I get. It is a big mind boggling but I deal with this day after day. It does something to me and….I have to learn to manage it. Anyway. Sorry to have such a serious post but sometimes I just need to write it all down.

Jackson went to work with Brent today since I had an appointment and he had a blast. He got to watch the cameras in dispatch and look for bad guys. They thought they had one but turned out to be nothing. I’m glad he takes such an active roll in Brent’s work, yet I dont know if I want him to grow up and get into the law enforcement world. Sometimes it can break you. Your family, your life. I would love for him to be a prosecutor or something like that. He asks alot of medical questions and I encourage him to go into science and possibly medicine but he resists that. I think he wants to act but has no clue as to what it involves but maybe I’ll get him into theatre when he’s ready and see. He is doing well at tutoring and he is also in the Black Belt club now and learning all kinds of things. He started Numbchucks the other day and you should see him spinning around and carrying on. There is a tournament November 17 here in KC and the instructor said he wants them to participate and they have the choice, if they want to use the Numbchucks then they have to make up their own routine with the time allowed. Jackson is all thrilled about that. He says he has all kinds of ideas and I’m so proud of him. I would love for him to get a trophy but more than that I would love for him to get up in front of people and really show them what he’s made of. I see it all the time but he’s shy in public. He is so good at Karate and so precise. Anyway, tonight is black belt club so got to get him in the shower. He’s all sweaty and hot.

{{{hugs}}}}

I have gone 31 days, no cigs. This has been easier than I thought it would be and THANK YOU GOD for Chanix. Anyway, we are getting ready for our trip to Louisville in a few weeks. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry if it’s a smoking room, smoking areas…*sigh*, I’m just relieved. We are renting a car/van/ something to get down there and staying at the Hyatt Regency…. We shall be big sh_ts for the week…hehehe The only thing bad about this trip is as soon as Jackson comes back, he’s starting school. Blah. I will miss him here with me. I keep thinking that I’ll get alot more done but these moments I have with Jack will never come again. He’s such a love bug. He comes down each morning with a smile and comes right to me. He hides his little face in my chest and says “mornin Mooshcoo”…I love it. Today is tutoring and I actually hate taking him there. I drop him off at the door and I know he is working soooo hard to catch up and doing well in school. He does complain some but that’s a normal 10 year old who’s summer is being messed up by tutoring 4 hours a week.

I love my son so much. He is such a blessing and such a gift. It’s not the same without him here.

Today is tutor day and I have to take Doc to the vet, his ear infection is not going away plus he has this “thing” on the back of his neck. It all has to do with allergies. I can’t give him any kind of cortizone because it affects his kidneys and he can’t control his bladder and I don’t need that. I’ve been giving him 1/2 tsp of Benadryl per the Dr. Sometimes it helps and sometimes no. I just feel sorry for him scratching. Summer is the worst for him. As soon as the cold air comes he is back to normal.

OK, that’s the report for the day!!!!

My cravings are getting less and less, I don’t think about it as much. I’m doing good.

Tommorrow I will be 20 days smoke free. No slip ups, no coughing, I can breath good and I dont get as winded walking up steps and stuff. I do get aggitated easily but…that is part of the nicotine withdrawl which takes a long time to totally get out of your system. It took 30 years to get here and it wont go away in 20 days. However, when I get that way I just go up and lay down, explain to Jackson that I am irritable and I’d rather not yell so I’m going up to lay down. He is cool with that. He understands the whole thing and I am also very emotional right now and I’ve called the support hotline and getting emotional is all part of this. It’s like going through a mini menopause!!! But I know it will go away. I feel better today than I felt yesterday, at least for now. The irritability comes on like a rocket and I have no warning but instead of yelling and being mad, I just go to my room, turn on the tv and just try and relax. I let the phone ring and if they want to talk to me, they’ll leave a message. I have to take care of me right now and that’s what I’m doing. So…I also understand that my lungs are repairing some damage that the smoking did, they are rejuvenating (?) at least that’s what my support team says. I keep imagining I have these baby pink lungs now and they are brand new..

It doesnt bother me as much when I see a smoker or smell second hand smoke…I sit in the non smoker sections sometimes and feel so cool…LOLOL

On another note, Jackson tests for his CAMEL belt tomorrow in Karate. He is also going into the Black Belt club there because he is so good. That will change our schedule a bit but I think I have it all worked out. He will also have 2 nights of tutoring when school starts but I think I’m going to cut that down to 1 hour instead of 2 hours, 4 hours a week is goign to be hard with Karate, Homework and homework comes first, then tutoring. We are just going to be busy in the evenings. I think we’ll be fine though. I can’t believe how fast this summer is going.

I’m so pissed at my MIL. She mentioned Jackson’s weight the other day. Jackson is not fat. He has a little tummy which has gone down and would go down further if he would just do some sit ups. He weighs 98 pounds and he is 10 years old. He is only 8.3 pounds over the average weight for a 10 year old his height. He is active and I feel that most of this will fall off when he gets to the black belt club because they do excersize much more than the basic class. The instructor told me not to worry about it, his doctor has told me not to worry about it. He is NOT obese. I swear, that woman wants perfection in everything and nothing is perfect. EVEN her.

Will close for now, have a great Friday everyone!!!